Don’t see the Emoji Movie

1

This movie is not enjoyable on any level, do not watch.

God has forsaken the Emoji movie, in more ways than one. I watched this, don’t watch this. It does not cross the line into cult status; it’s just bad, really bad. I’m going to talk about all the crap that happened, and it may sound interesting, but its not. Don’t.

Okay so first and foremost is must be said that this movie is aimed at 10 year olds. It is not done so in the way that the Lego Movie was also all ages, it is exclusively aimed at children. With that in mind let us begin.

For Starters the whole thing is an ad. They open with a direct explanation that a smart phone is a requirement to live in today’s life and move from there. The adventures take them through WeChat, Candy Crush, Just Dance (who has that on their phone?), and Dropbox (to get to the cloud of course). On the app screen you can see shazam and a whole host of others. There is a 15 minute segment dedicated to explaining the rules of Candy Crush. It even shows how pirated apps can be disguised as regular ones (for some reason). There is also a trash can app, for when you delete emoji’s and emails, that one was new to me. It’s a mess of poorly done product placement, but I imagine the movie broke even financially before it even aired.

2The Glorious Leader

The Emoji movie is set within Mr. Generic 13 year Old’s cell phone (I refuse to research what his name was), where the text app contains an entire world for the emojis to live in. It is a police state, where adherence to your set role in life is tantamount. Changing expressions, or generally expressing anything other than your set role in life prompts screams from children and adults alike. If you malfunction during your role in a text, you are scheduled for deletion. This world is ruled over by the totalitarian dictator “Smiley Face”. None of this is a joke. After the main character “Meh”, who is the meh face who also has extra emotions (sacrilege!) ‘malfunctions while being scanned for a text he is the subject of a cross-phone manhunt. Outside the phone mr generic is trying to find the proper way to ask another 12 year old to a school dance. His first attempt was the malfunctioning emoji, which was obviously a bad thing.

Also there is a room for unused emojis, the eggplant is there, in a 12 year olds phone…

The main cast is Meh man (TJ Miller watching the world burn), Hacker (who is secretly not hacker), and the ‘Hi-five’ emoji (James Corben) who just won’t fucking die. I would actually enjoyed this movie if I could have watched that Hi-Five die. Also Patrick Stewart is the poop emoji (“We’re number 2!”), he must had made so much money on this crap (heh).

3

He deserves death

They run away from being deleted, are chased through a bunch of apps, have god awful songs, and that’s it. In the end (Spoiler but please let it stop you) Mr phone owner is taking to be wiped, because all sorts of crazy stuff has been happening with it. While everything is being deleted they force a text to send to his crush of “Meh” who is now a dynamic emoji. They do this using the same technology that screwed up when he moved last time. You do get to see everyone disappear into ether as it happens so that is satisfying (they should all die). Owner kid sees the message and pulls the cord on his reformatting phone, which somehow restores everything, instead of bricking the whole thing (which is what would happen).

The Girl walks up and says (I swear to God) “Hey cool emoji, I like that you can express yourself.” I think there was something after but I blanked at that. Send this movie to people you hate, never pay for it, and really it isn’t worth it. 0/Anything, save yourselves.

4This girl likes boys who express themselves. Through single emojis.

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