Hitman’s Bodyguard


Not the only dick joke

I saw two movies this week, a smart one and a dumb one – I’m writing about the dumb one. Logan Lucky is truly an excellent film (if a bit slow to start). It’s basically Ocean’s 7-11, and if you liked the Ocean’s movies then go see that one. I honestly don’t know how to discuss it without spoiling so I won’t, but that’s the smart movie. Hitman’s Bodyguard is just fun, well done, but mainly dumb fun.

Hitman’s Bodyguard is what you get when you come up with lead actors before the actual plot for a movie. If you wanted to watch Samuel L ‘Motherfucking’ Jackson and Ryan ‘Actually Deadpool’ Reynolds do what they do best, then go nuts. It’s not a smart movie (watch Logan Lucky for that), it’s explosions, Salma Hayek, and action.

2She plays angry Latina and she plays it really really well

The plot of the movie starts with Ryan Reynolds, an excellent bodyguard, losing a client (that’s a first-5-minute spoiler, sorry). He has a remarkable fall from grace, which costs him most of his jobs, his “triple A” rating, and his lovely fiancé. We join him at his version of rock bottom, in a shitty car still doing his awesome job. He seems depressed, but still kills bad guys and makes smart comments. That’s about the entire depth of his character.

His Fiancé just is not worth mentioning, bland and forgettable.

Gary Oldman is evil Dictator #4 needless genocide edition. He is being tried at the UN human rights court in The Hague for crimes against humanity. I would like to mention that he was accused of ethnic cleansing, but seems to have been pretty indiscriminate in his mass killing (they never specify an ethnicity of his pretty homogenous nation). Every witness they bring has their testimony thrown out of court for being unreliable, for reasons not totally explained. Anyone else set to testify is mysteriously murdered by eastern European thugs, odd. But the one who will testify is…

Samuel L’Motherfucking Jackson as a super hitman of justice. He is a professional hitman who is supposed to be unkillable, probably based on the fact that he hasn’t died yet. He also only kills bad guys, which strangely isn’t explained until after he gets into an argument with Ryan Reynolds about which of them is the true bad guy. One protects people (who mostly happen to be bad) and the other kills (who we later find out are only bad) – it was a strange discussion. Jackson is in prison for life (for killing criminals), and was captured because they got his wife. They promise to let his wife go if he testifies, but he needs to get to Den Hague in 48 hours, because courts are like exam centres.


“He single handily ruined the word ‘Motherfucker’, do you know how much effort that takes?”

Big props to Salma Hayek as his wife who really stole the show in every scene she was in. I’m still not convinced she isn’t just a curvier Penelope Cruz, but whatever.

His police escort is ambushed and Ryan Reynolds’ Interpol ex-fiancé calls him to take over the escort. The rest is pretty rote. Sam L Jackson is disorganized gut instinct, Ryan Reynolds is by-the-book; they hate each other but eventually respect each other. There is an Interpol leak, and I’m going to spoil this for you: it’s the obvious guy. There is no misdirection with that leak thing, or really almost anything. They fight people, there is a main henchman, Gary Oldman is evil, there is the cop who is secretly evil, and Ryan Reynolds has unresolved emotional issues with his ex that Sam helps him resolve. It’s a pretty basic story and is really designed to be held up by excellent actors, which to be fair it is.

4It’s a pretty standard buddy cop movie

This is a straight forward dumb action flick, and if you wanted to see Samuel L Jackson and Ryan Reynolds do what they do best, then I recommend this movie.

If you want something smart I recommend Logan Lucky.


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